Monday, November 10, 2008

What's in a name?

Maybe I should have done this a long time ago but I was probably too busy fucking around to pay much attention. Or perhaps I was too accepting of the classifications already defined by society and allowed myself to be pigeonholed like so many others before me. I grew up Presbyterian. I'm a musician. I'm a writer. I'm white. I'm middle class. Soon I'll be divorced.

But in one of my rare "light bulb" moments (that I have like once a decade or so), I have decided to shun all labels, categories, or stereotypes typically placed on members of our society and state quite simply that I have become my own religion.

From now on I will forever be known as Leader of the Church of Dave. (Not to be confused with the Davidians, Davidites, or Daveaholics.)

Anyone can join, of course, although I don't know why anyone would want to. I'm sure that after the first few services you'd tire of the relentless way in which my beliefs are formed, that is completely random in nature and without any seeming basis in fact. I know what I believe and I believe what I know. Others can believe what they want. As long as it makes them happy it's okie dokey, just don't expect me to follow suit.

Maybe the music will be good.

In my church, everything will be known as God. That pen you're holding--God. The bug crawling up your leg (sorry, we're still looking for a more suitable meeting place but you know how zoning laws can bog things down)--God. Every time you scratch your crotch or experience one of a variety of personal bodily functions--God. Of course, I'm God and so is everyone else.

Koo koo ka choo.

In my religion there will be one tenet, and that is: All is good so long as you don't step on anyone else's toes. Toes apparently are sacred and I can respect that. They are also God. So I guess I could say "don't step on God."

There will be no standards to live up to, as one man's sins are just as Godly as the next. There will be no offerings asked for, but if you'd like to contribute I'm sure I could find it in my heart to accept the God that comes out of your leather God thing that fits in the back pocket of the denim Gods typically worn to cover up your God parts.

The church of Dave will meet semi-regularly on whatever day of the week I feel like. I have determined that there is no one particular day of the week to worship that is more Godly than the next. Likewise, there is no particular time of day I am more inclined to be attentive to your needs than another. If I wake up at 3:00 in the morning on a Thursday and feel like holding service then I'll open the church doors. And if I fall asleep in the middle of my sermon, then that's okay as well.

By the way, there will be no daycare provided, but children of all ages are welcome. I swear I won't make them drink Kool-Aid from a syringe.

One thing I can guarantee is that there will be food fit for a God. Good wholesome food and none of that fast food crap like KFC (or any other Yum Corp. franchise for that matter), which, as far as I can determine, is not in any way shape or form...God.

Being God, I have the ability to anticipate the questioning skeptics. Does being God make me feel special? Yes, most definitely. As God, do I have any special powers? Probably, but no more than any other God. One of the powers I've discovered, though, is the ability to influence those around me in ways neither they nor I could ever imagine. In fact, recently I realized that if I sit in front of my TV and stare at it long enough I can grow so irritating that the people I know and love will stop talking to me (this power works especially well on my soon to be ex-wife). The extra added benefit to this is that under certain circumstances, I can even make the lights coming from the moving picture box entertain me.

What a treat.

I suppose there's a name for people like me, but in my religion we don't put labels on things. Thank God...I mean, me.

(Right about now is where you all chime in and in your best Tiny Tim voices say:

May Dave bless us, everyone of us.

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