Saturday, September 12, 2009

Would you want to read this book?

That's right gang, while I'm still not giving up on Made in Vermont, I've gotta itch and I need to scratch it by cleaning up what I consider my best work yet. Here's the query.

Dear Agent of my fantasies,

I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in humorous fantasy, and because you like the same kind of pie I do.

Over the course of his many lifetimes, Matthew Newman could rightfully lay claim to being many things. He’s crossed an ocean in search of the New World, fought alongside the Allied Forces against the army of a maniacal dictator, and wrestled with the Bermuda Triangle. But of all Matthew’s many fine qualities, possessing a good sense of direction was never one of them. Sometimes, however, wandering aimlessly can work in ones favor. After taking a wrong turn in the great monolith of the In Between, Matthew happens upon the Untouchable One, brightest and most beautiful soul in all the Universe. For Matthew, it’s true love. Unfortunately, as the only daughter of the Great Almighty, she’s the one possession the creator of all things keeps for himself. There is one way, however, to win her and her father over, and that is to locate the Eveningstar Gem and master its ultimate powers. Naturally there’s an evil entity out there named Kran competing with Matthew for possession of the gem. With it Kran would plunge the planet into darkness, and, even worse, compete with Matthew for the Untouchable One’s heart. Staying one-step ahead of Kran will require Matthew to navigate his way through several lifetimes’ worth of adventures and questionable career choices—not an easy task for one with a lack of direction. It will take his many other fine qualities to find a way to derail Kran’s diabolical quest for power, save the earth from an apocalyptic event, and find true love.

Matthew Newman is a 100,000 word work of humorous fantasy. I am the author of several things, and this is my first really good novel.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes,
Charles Horse

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Disagree With Gabby the Republican

Lately, the political "discourse" from the right is so overwrought, stupid, paranoid, and downright desperate, that I get the impression they're trying to tell me something, but it's being hidden under the church bell of other terms. For clarification, perhaps we need to turn to Blazing Saddles:

Gabby the Republican: "The Sheriff is a <>"
Rest of the Right Wing Media Town: "He's a Socialist?"
Gabby the Republican: "NO, he's a <>."
Rest of the Right Wing Media Town: "He's an Illegal Alien?"
Gabby the Republican: "NO, he's a <>."
Rest of the Right Wing Media Town: "He's Indoctrinating our children?"
Gabby the Republican: "NO, he's a <>."
Rest of the Right Wing Media Town: "He's Kim Jong Il?"
Gabby the Republican: "NO, DAGNAMIT, HE'S A <>"
Rest of the Right Wing Media Town: "He's a Nazi?"
Gabby the Republican: "Well, that's closer!"

There's really only one logical reason the right responds with such fevered hatred over everything Obama does, including a lot of things other presidents routinely have done. Considering that his policy is not surprisingly new, is often surprisingly centrist, and that most of the attacks on it are about as proportional as calling for the death penalty for a shoplifter, there has to be something else afoot.

How about I say what's on all your minds: The President is a black man. That's right, the American voters went bat shit crazy and elected an African American. 

Feel better?

Hey, at least he's not Irish...